Daniel Goleman


Introduction

I have a few negative feelings about Goleman, for the reasons which are fairly well outlined below. But to use some of my own advice, I realized I needed to find some reasons to appreciate his work to balance some of the resentment I feel about it. So here are some of the reasons I appreciate what he has done:

- Without his books you would not be visiting this site

- He helped me understand the evolutionary survival value of our emotions

- He has raised awareness of emotions and their importance around the world

- He introduced me to my amygdala, who I affectionately call "Amy"

A recent example of needless and gratuitous self-promotion

Below is a quote from his book review of Emotions in the Workplace

"[A] groundbreaking overview of a significant emerging area of scholarly theory and research. As a connoisseur of the role of emotions in work, I found much to relish and learn from in this intellectual feast." Daniel Goleman

Notes from 1995 book, Emotional Intelligence

Note: these are not "cleaned up" Sorry. I may clean them up someday. (Page numbers refer to 1995 hardback edition)
 
 

Kids: Girls more cooperative, more empathetic (see also book "Brain Sex)

G's stop play when someone is hurt. B's expect the hurt person to get out of the way and/or stop crying.

G's talk more about emotions, express more & greater intensity; boys talk more about things; girls are better at reading verbal & non-verbal emotional cues. g's better at expressing & communicating emotions

boys: Better at minimizing the emotions of vulnerability, guilt, fear and hurt; women more empathetic (100's of studies show this, but young kids are equal in ability to express emotion facially; Print Brain sex summary

Characteristics of non-popular children listed on p 123,124 of Goleman. (example, pushing way into groups, talking about selves, changing topic of discussion too often and too soon)

ANGER: "reframing" is one of the most effective ways of managing anger. ie changing paradigm, self-talk.

Alexithymics are defined as those who are unable to verbalize their feelings. But it is not clear if this is because the were never taught the words or if they aren't capable of feeling.

p 62 ** study shows people are forgiving if they understand. In fact, when people understood, they showed compassion-- like Stephen Covey's example on the train with kids & wife in hospital - again, changing paradigm, getting new information.

Suggestions section:

p 68 on worry and rumination: [when you can't stop worrying] my adaptation: 1. self awareness, become aware of thoughts, feelings, body responses 2. Relaxation methods 3. challenge thoughts & assign probabilities 4. Worst case scenario 5. Make plans

+ accomplish small goal, give self credit

Students who are anxious, angry or depressed don't learn..

85 laughing seems to help people think more broadly, flexibly, with more complexity, and with more associations - making it easier to find solutions.

p 96 "Empathy builds on self-awareness..

97 people who can read feelings from non-verbal cues: - better adjusted emotionally - more popular - more outgoing - more sensitive 97

women generally are better at empathizing people who showed ability to improve during the 45 minute test had better romantic relationships 97

non verbal is more important 90%

kids by nature empathetic

Infants "catch moods" three month old babies of depressed mothers showed more anger and sadness and much less spontaneous curiosity and interest.. p 101

Baby's learn to be passive if emotions not mirrored. (what's the use..)

emotional capacity can be lost - connections aren't there - they atrophy.

102 people with certain brain lesions couldn't detect messages in tone of voice (example thanks angry, sarcastic or kind).

Another study showed other brain injured people couldn't express emotions through their own t of voice

110 criminals lack concern about future punishment, not afraid of pain when about to receive a shock-- implies impossible to rehabilitate

p. 115 ".. mood transfer is from the one who is more forceful in expressing feelings to the one who is more passive" some are more impressionable.

people who are poor at sending & receiving emotional signals tend to have problems in relationships-- ppl are uncomfortable with them & may not even know why 117

dominant ppl talk more but depends on rel power/status

hollow but popular - see quote p 119

See also 119 for social chameleons quote.

RELATIONSHIPS: 132-3 men paint a rosier picture of their marriages, women more vocal in complaints; since men are slower to recognize sadness, a woman has to be sadder before the man will bring it up;

133 How a couple discusses, argues and handles disagreements is key.

134 Gottman's research showing ability to predict divorce within 3 years with 94% by their communication styles using probes. Warning signs: harsh criticism, attack on character "if there is a way for your father to screw up something, he will."

p 138,9 to avoid "flooding" -- we need to know when to back off. (Gottman's term!)

results of flooding:

- distorted thinking - difficult to organize thinking - fall back on primitive reactions - want things to stop - or they want to run or strike back

Definition of flooding: pulse jumps more than 10 per minute at moment of hijacking pulse may jump 10, 20 or 30 bpm in one beat

140 when couples are unable to soothe each other but instead are the source of negative feelings, they start to seek relief their own, start living separate lives emotionally ["emotional divorce"] which is good sign of legal divorce.

143 inability to mend fences, de-escalate, is "a crucial difference" between couples who divorce or don't (Gottman again but no page number reference!)

143: main things are

- ability to calm self down - calm others down - empathy - listening well (from gottmans: why marriages succeed or fail)

WORK:

"The single most important element in group intelligence, it turns out, is not the average IQ in the academic sense, but rather in terms of emotional intelligence." p 160

Email response times

Mind & Medicine

p 168 immune system 168 not operating on worried patients 169 ppl who were chronically anxious, sad, pessimistic, hostile, cynicism, or suspicion etc. had double the risk of disease!

177 ** 122 men first heart attack. 8 years later 21/25 p's dead; only 6 of 25 of the most optimistic..

178 feeling isolated doubles your chance of sickness or death

179 men who had emotional support were not affected by stress vs. others who were three times more likely to die without such support.

Marital arguments and bad relations with your roommate affect immune system. The more important the relationship, the more it affects your health. p 179

p 180 healthiest way to vent feelings: express strong feelings, then reflect on them to find some meaning

p 180 Stanford study - breast cancer - lived twice as long if 1hr/wk therapy p 183 relationship between patient/doctor is important for health of patient

Good quote: 183:

1. Helping people better manage their upsetting feelings --anger, anxiety, depression, pessimism, and loneliness-- is a form of disease prevention.

2. Many patients can benefit measurably when their psychological needs are attended to along with their purely medical ones. p184

on depression and isolation- .. it would be unethical not to start trying to treat these factors (quote from J of AMA. p 185

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PARENTING chapter 12

Chapter title: The Family Crucible

(October 2000 note - I am reading this chapter for a third time, going through it very carefully. Here are my notes so far.)

p 189 Goleman begins the chapter with an example with a long direct quote he copied from the research work of Beverly Wilson and John Gottman. The example is two parents who are taking part in an Wilson and Gottman's experiments. The research involves watching parents interact with their child and with each other as the child learns a new video game. The parents watch and "help" the child.

In the case that Goleman copied the parents begin to shout at the child. The child starts to cry silently while the parents argue with each other over how the game works. Neither parent notices or attempt to comfort their crying child. Instead they simply give her more orders concerning the video game.

Goleman's first words of his own in this chapter are:

"At such moments children learn deep lessons. For Leslie one conclusion from this painful exchange might well be that neither her parents, nor anyone else, for that matter, cares about her feelings. When similar moments are repeated countless times over the course of childhood they impart some of the most fundamental emotional messages of a lifetime--lessons that can determine a life course."

Goleman continues he calls the family "our first school for emotional learning" and says that in this "intimate cauldron" we learn

- how to feel about ourselves

- how others will react to our feelings

- how to think about these feelings

- what choices we have in reacting

- how to read and express feelings (see my note under criticism)

I agree.

I also agree when he says children learn such things both directly and indirectly. They learn directly by the things the adults "do and say" to the children. They learn indirectly as they watch how the adult role models handle their own feelings and as they watch feelings "pass between" other family members. (note G. use the word "parents" but I find this too narrow so I substituted family members.)

Next G. says: "Some parents are gifted emotional teachers, others atrocious."

Then he says there are "hundreds of studies" which show that how the parent treats the child has "deep and lasting consequences for the child's emotional life." Unfortunately for researchers, Goleman only cites a few of these studies and he spreads them around in different chapters of his book. But his point is well taken.

Next Goleman uses some more of Gottman's work, this time from an article Carole Hooven and Gottman which seems to be an extention of the work that Gottman did with Wilson with the parents, the child and the video game. Hooven and Gottman's work showed that, not surprisingly, parents who handled their own emotions better were also most the best at helping with their children's emotions.

-----

Criticism of this chapter:

Uses words like "crucible" and "cauldron"

On page 190 G. doesn't say "how to read and express feelings", he says "how to read and express hopes and fears." Another example of how he subtly uses emotionally laden words.

Of the first page in the chapter, approximately half the page is quoted directly from a research journal article. But nowhere on the page does Goleman mention the researchers who did the work. While he does have a footnote number two sentences after the long quote, the reader must go to the back of the book to find his source.

Also, the way the text is positioned on the page, it is difficult, in fact to even notice that it is a direct quote. This is because Goleman, or his editor, starts the page, and the chapter, with this long quote and it is only slightly indented from the body of the text which follows. The only way I knew for sure it was indented, in fact, without getting out a ruler, was because I could see the margins coming through from the other side of the page.

To me this is very sneaky. I resent Goleman's trying to present the work of others' as his own. He does this so subtly that one can hardly even accuse him of it, but I believe he does do it.

He uses very subjective words and labels such as his comment on page 190 that "Some parents are gifted emotional teachers, others atrocious." I am sure that he and I would disagree on our definitions of gifted and atrocious parents.

Next, consider this sentence from page 190:

"Only recently, though, have there been hard data showing that having emotionally intelligent parents is itself of enormous benefit to a child."

Here G. does a couple things which bother me. First, he tries to make it sound like he is telling us something new. Second, he refers to certain parents as "emotionally intelligent" but no studies had been done at that time using the term emotionally intelligent with respect to parents. The term was too new and even now it is still not clear what "emotionally intelligent" parents would be according to any scientific measurement.

Thus, Goleman can not make the claim that the studies show anything about "emotionally intelligent parents." He might say "emotionally competent, as I define emotional competence," but he cannot truthfully make the claim which he smoothly lays out before his readers.

With reference to the video game study, Goleman writes on page 190 that some parents were "overbearing, losing patience with their child's ineptness...." I wonder why Goleman chose the word "ineptness," other than the fact that he seems to favor it in general. To me it is much too harsh to ever be used with children, especially those who are simply trying to learn a game with their parents shouting in their ears. It seems to be another indication of Goleman's overall judgemental attitude towards people.
 
 

On two occasions in the chapter Goleman expresses surprise at the research. For example: "The video game session was a suprisingly powerful barometer of the parents' emotional style." (p. 190) Then on p. 192 he says "...the payoff for children whose parents are emotionally adept is a surprising -- almost astounding -- range of advantages across, and beyond the spectrum of emotinal intelligence." These statements by Goleman are another indication to me that he really does not have much real-life knowledge of emotions, children or the impact of parents. I certainly was not surprised by either of the findings. Affirmed would be more like it.

p. 193 Goleman reports the findings of the National Center for Clinical Infant Programs which list all of the following as being predictors of academic success:

  • Being self-assured and interested
  • Knowing what kind of behavior is expected and how to reign in the impulse to misbehave
  • Being able to wait, to follow directions and to turn to turn to teachers for help
  • Expressing needs while getting along with other children
    • Goleman says that all of these are "elements of emotional intelligence." But as I look closely, I wonder on what basis he makes this statement. I have no doubt that the items on this list do indeed predict "suceess" when it comes to winning approval and high grades, but I question whether all these items have anything at all to do with true emotional intelligence. This is another example of how Goleman indirectly tries to convince us that a passive, compliant, conforming, and obedient child is an "emotionally intelligent." From this and other examples of his writing, Goleman seems to believe that any act of disobedience in itself is "misbehavior" and that emotionally intelligent children never question authorithy or follow their own inner voice.
     
     

    =========

    Next chapter on Stress, trauma etc.

    204 "It does not matter if it was the incessant terror of combat, torture or repeated abuse in childhood,or a one-time experience.. All uncontrollable stress can have the same biological impact.

    key is "uncontrollable" ie we need to have some sense of control over our bodies, our thoughts, our feelings, our lives

    DEPRESSION

    244 powerlessness, pessimism, feeling flawed ^ depression

    245 ways to lower depression in kids (cut depression in half) 8 sessions: reframing, challenge thinking, learn to make friends, get along better with parents, more social activities

    coaching for friendship

    Criticisms of 1995 book- These are virtually untouched since 1995 when I wrote them

    -Giving Credit to Peter Salovey and John Mayer

    I felt disturbed by Goleman's failure to acknowledge Peter Salovey and John Mayer for their scientific work on Emotional Intelligence until page 47 of his book. I also wonder how Salovey and Mayer feel.

    -Happiness

    I also feel disturbed by the absence of discussion on the topic of happiness.

    I found only one reference to the topic (p. 6 hardback edition). And here Goleman speaks of happiness primarily from the standpoint of brain chemistry.

    I believe the quest for happiness is one of the most difficult undertakings in life, particularly in America, where success is defined by criteria such as material wealth, appearances, efficiency, productivity, output, grades and test scores. I also believe it is the most important quest each of us will ever pursue. Goleman leaves the issue of happiness virtually untouched, however, often referring instead to "success."

    What Goleman does say about happiness is useful, but left me wanting more:

    He spoke most of it from a biological standpoint saying that it causes these changes:

  • An increased activity in the brain center that inhibits negative feelings.
  • An increase in energy.
  • A decrease in "worrisome thought."
  • A "quiescence" which makes the body recover more quickly from "the biological arousal" of upsetting emotions.
  • All of this, G. says, creates a feeling of "general rest" in the body, "as well as readiness and enthusiasm...".
    • This seems to imply that happiness creates motivation, which certainly makes good sense to me. And it affirms the wisdom in the old saying "laughter makes the best medicine."

    Following a common social trend, particularly among highly educated and intellectual people, Goleman seems to fail to acknowledge the importance of happiness. To quote Nathaniel Branden, "The world has rarely treated happiness as a state worthy of serious respect." (Taking Responsibility, 1996, p 10)

    - Responsibility

    Goleman does not appear to endorse the concept of taking responsibility for one's own emotions. I could find no reference to the importance of this as a part of Emotional Intelligence. Goleman does not distinguish between the belief that others "make" us feel the way we do as opposed to the belief that our emotions are primarily within our own control.

    For example, consider these statements:

  • You made me so jealous.

    • You made me angry.
    You embarrassed me.
    I advocate taking direct responsibility for our emotions (and thus our happiness) by saying instead:
  • I felt so jealous.

    • I felt angry.
    I felt embarrassed.
    Or perhaps, it might be both constructive and accurate to say, "you helped me feel..." Saying "you helped me feel..." acknowledges that others do play a part in our emotions, but that we still hold primary responsibility for them. This is true more for adults than children, since adults actually are largely responsible for wiring the brain connections, and thus the emotions in children. In other words, adults do "make" children feel things, or not feel them, as the case may be. Further, I believe our feelings have much to do with our self-concepts and self-esteem (see below).

    For example,

    "When you praised me, it helped me feel really good about myself.
    "When you lectured me, it helped me feel incompetent."
    I recommend, however, to simply state our feelings with 3 word sentences beginning with "I feel..", rather than even including the word "you." People feel defensive so easily when we even imply there is a cause-effect relationship between their actions and our negative feelings!

    On the other hand, if someone cares about our feelings, they will most likely get the message with a very clear and direct 3 word sentence. Then they can choose to take our feelings into account, show respect for them (and thereby show respect for us), and modify their behavior voluntarily.

    If they are unclear about why we feel the way we do, they are free to ask us to explain our feelings. We then feel cared for, important and heard because they are showing concern for us, they want to get to know us better, and they are willing to listen to us.

    - Head Vs. Heart

    I feel confused and disturbed by Goleman's repeated use of the word "heart" when he is talking about emotional matters, even when he has clearly stated that emotions come from specific parts of the brain. I believe it would be more useful to stick with a more accurate, more scientific, and more consistent presentation of our emotional chemistry as opposed to poetic, yet misleading terminology. For example, his chapter heading "Managing with Heart."

    - Thinking, Feeling and Believing

    I believe it important to distinguish between these verbs when we use them. I believe it hinders effective communication when we freely substitute one for the other. I am uncertain if Goleman shares this belief. Consider this sentence: "If there is remedy, I feel it must lie in how we prepare our young for life." (p. xiii)

    I am uncertain whether Goleman really "feels" this way, whether he "thinks" it or whether he "believes" it.

    Another example: in an interview with ASTD magazine Goleman says:

    Goleman: My feeling is that no one is untrainable, if they are motivated

    I am afraid you will think this is a small point, so I will explain myself. I firmly believe most of us we fail to honor our feelings as separate from our thoughts. I believe it is important, therefore, to reserve the verb "to feel" in sentences involving feelings. For example,

  • I feel jealous.

    • I feel motivated.
    Whenever we say "I feel that.." or "I feel like..." we are very likely to be misusing the verb. (See Emotional Literacy)

    - Self-Esteem

    Again, I feel disturbed and discouraged that Goleman underemphasizes the importance of EQ to self-esteem and of self-esteem to happiness. In fact, he has no references to self-esteem in his index. On this point, I actually feel incredulous!

    To me, the link between self-esteem and emotions is almost self-evident. (I say "almost" because for the majority of my life I was unaware of this link! Now, though, I see the two as inseparable and reciprocal.)

    I also believe that self-esteem can be defined as how we feel about ourselves. To me, this is the single most important aspect of managing our emotions, yet Goleman seems to miss this connection almost entirely. As a comparison, I have a full chapter on the relationship between EQ and self-esteem.

    - Self-Help Books of No Help?

    Perhaps Goleman's neglect of self-esteem is a function of his apparent general disdain for self-help books. He hints at his feelings and beliefs about such books on page xi of his introduction (which he calls Aristotle's Challenge). Goleman talks about how emotions have been largely ignored by the academic community (agreed!). Then he goes on to say:

    "Into this void has rushed a welter of self-help books, well-intentioned advice based at best on clinical opinion but lacking much, if any, scientific basis."
    I feel a little offended and defensive when Goleman puts down the entire category of self-help books with such a sweeping statement. I personally have found such books to be of tremendous benefit to understanding myself, my relationships and others.

    One last comment. Many of the so called self-help books have been based on the personal experience of the authors. I believe that experience is the best teacher, we are the best authorities on ourselves, and that self-knowledge is the most valuable of all forms of knowledge. In fact, I have discovered invaluable insights to my own understanding by reading about the lives and experiences of others. I feel a strong sense of regret that such information was not made available to me as part of my public school education. If it had been, I truly believe I could have spared myself (and others) tremendous amounts of emotional pain and financial loss.

    - Controlling vs. Listening to our Feelings

    As I read Goleman, I get the impression that he believes we need to control our emotions. In other words, he seems to believe that if we are out of balance as a society, it is in the direction of being too emotional, too impulsive. On page xiii, for example, he says that self-restraint is one of the "two moral stances" that our times call for (...the other being "compassion", which I agree with to the extent he defines compassion as understanding and empathy rather than sympathy and pity).

    I agree that our society is out of balance, but I believe it is out of balance in the direction of over-intellectualization. I believe we are over-socialized to repress, suppress, disown, deny, medicate away,. etc. our emotions. I advocate that we listen to our feelings, that we get in touch with them, that we learn to identify them and then look for the message in them to see what we can learn from them.

    That said, I do believe there are certain segments of society which are indeed overly impulsive, and this impulsiveness and lack of self-control leads to violence, rage and other forms of socially destructive behavior.

    Generally speaking, though, for those of us who have endured college, graduate school, the corporate world, etc., I suggest that we would do ourselves a favor to re-connect with our child-like feelings and our gut-level instincts. When we listen to our own inner voices, as it were, we find our own unique paths.

    This, I believe, is highly preferable to conforming to the prevailing social standards, to trying to live up to the expectations of others, and to doing what we have been socialized to believe we "should" do.

    Altered states of consciousness, meditation, alternate realities, mindfulness

    Below are notes on some of Goleman's other publications, which I got from a database search. Most of it is stuff he wrote before he became famous. See my notes at the bottom of the list for my comments on meditation, etc.
     
     

    Healing emotions :
    conversations with the Dalai Lama on mindfulness,
    emotions, and health 1997

    Gives instruction in mindfulness meditation and
    explains how mindfulness can make the pleasant
    experience of flow more frequent in our daily lives.
    ------------
    86 and then again in 98 or so
    The meditative mind :
    the varieties of meditative experience /
    ----------
    The Buddha on meditation and higher states of
    consciousness /
    Author(s): Goleman, Daniel.
    Publication: Kandy, Sri Lanka :; Buddhist Publication
    Society,
    Year: 1989 uuuu
     

    Journey of awakening :
    a meditator's guidebook /
    Author(s): Ram Dass. ; Goleman, Daniel. 1990
    ----------

    Meditation an instructional cassette /
    Author: Goleman, Daniel. Publication: Washington, D.C.
    : American Psychological Association, 1985
    -------
    95. Qué sabe la psicología que usted debería saber? /
    Author: Goleman, Daniel., and others Publication:
    México, D.F. : Fondo Educativo Interamericano, 1984
    Doc. Type: Book
    ---

    96. Meditation an instructional cassette /
    Author: Goleman, Daniel. Publication: Washington, D.C.
    : American Psychological Association, 1985 Doc. Type:
    Sound Recording

    ---
    97. The meditative mind.
    Author: Goleman, Daniel. Publication: Crucible, 1989
    Doc. Type: Book
    98. The art of meditation
    Author: Goleman, Daniel. Publication: Los Angeles, CA
    : New York : Audio Renaissance Tapes ; Distributed by
    St. Martin's Press, 1989 Doc. Type: Sound Recording
    ------
    Flow and mindfulness an instructional cassette /
    Author: Goleman, Daniel. Publication: New York, N.Y. :
    Produced by Psychology Today, 1976
    ------
    Introductory psychology /
    Author: Goleman, Daniel., and others Publication: New
    York : Random House, 1982
    ------
    Consciousness, the brain, states of awareness, and
    alternate realities /
    Author(s): Goleman, Daniel. ; Davidson, Richard J.
    Publication: New York :; Irvington Publishers,
    Year: 1979

    What concerns me about these writings

    Goleman seems to endorse the use of meditation and altered states of consciousness to numb our negative feelings. I disagree with this view. First, I do not believe this approach truly heals deep emotional wounds. I believe if we turn to such methods we lose 1) the information they provide to us, 2) the motivation to look for cause-effect relationships, such as the parent-child relationship, and 3) the drive to make needed fundamental social changes

    Why Goleman might have developed an interest in Eastern Spirituality

    From my experience, those from Western cultures who have sought emotional healing from Eastern religion and "spirituality," have suffered from emotional abuse as children. They tend to be highly intellectual people who are not in touch with their feelings. They may be able to write about feelings and emotion, as Daniel Goleman can obviously do convincingly, but tend to be tense, highly stressed people who are out of touch with most of their own feelings and unable to express them in simple sentences with feeling words.

    This appears to be because their cognitive skills and defenses are so highly developed as a result of the emotional abuse in their childhoods, as well as through typically highly intellectual homes and over-education in the institutional sense. Again speaking in terms of my own observations, instead of directly addressing the emotional abuse they suffered, they have chosen less confrontational, more passive, and less painful ways of self-healing. I can understand this, and I have some compassion for their situation, but it is not the route I have personally chosen or endorse.


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