Jokes
Jokes
in Spanish
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Jokes |
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THE OCTOPUS AND THE BAGPIPES
A guy comes into a bar where there is a band playing, with an octopus under his arm. He goes up to one of the band members and says
" I bet you $50 that my octopus can play better guitar than you"
Seeing an easy $50, the guitarist hands over his Gibson, and to everyone's amazement, the octopus pumps out Chet Atkins and Jimi Hendrix in quick succession. And the guy pockets the money.
Then he goes over to the trumpet player and lays the money down, double or quits, with the same challenge........ and the octopus puts Dizzy Gillespie and Wynton Marsalis in the shade......
At this stage, the band is getting pretty pissed off, when an old geezer with a set of bagpipes walks over and puts them up on the bar and says
" have a go at this, then "
The octopus gets really excited. Takes up the bagpipes, fumbles unsuccessfully with them for a few minutes and drops them on the floor in frustration.
The old geezer says
" See ! I knew you couldn't play that !"
To which the octopus replies
" Play it ? I was trying to (insert your favourite term for sexual intercourse) it, but I couldn't get its pyjamas off " !
TALENTED FROG
A drunk walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks if the guy has any money and he says
"No, but I got something really neat. I'll show it to you, and if you like it, you can buy me a drink."
The bartender figures it'll be good for a laugh and tells the drunk okay. The guy pulls a frog and a miniature piano out of his coat and puts them on the bar. The frog hops up the piano and starts playing.
"That's amazing!" said the bartender. "Here's your drink."
By this time, the frog had drawn quite a crowd, and was taking requests. Meanwhile, the drunk was getting free drinks and tips. Soon, word of the talented frog spread throughout the city, bringing lots of people into the bar. The bartender, of course, was very happy about this. One day, a Hollywood agent hears about the frog and comes into the bar. He tells the drunk
"I'll give you $500,000 for the frog."
The drunk thinks about it for a moment and tells the agent
"No thanks - he means too much to me. He's helped me get back on my feet and I can't bear to part with him."
The agent considers upping the deal, but doesn't and leaves. A couple of weeks later, as the crowds are thinning out, the bartender is beginning to get worried. He confronts the drunk about the lack of people coming into the bar. The drunk tells him not to worry, reaches back into his coat, and pulls out a rabbit. He puts it on the piano, and soon the rabbit is singing along with the piano-playing frog. The crowds start returning in even greater numbers, and as such, so does the Hollywood agent.
"This is my last offer. I'll give you one million dollars for the frog and the rabbit."
The drunk considers it for a moment and says
"No, I can't sell the frog, but I'll let you have the rabbit for a mere $250,000."
The agent gives the drunk a cashiers check for the rabbit, picks it up and leaves. The bartender sees the whole thing, grabs the drunk by the lapels and says
"Are you crazy? You had a million dollar act and you broke it up for $250,000!"
The drunk leans in further and says
"Not really. The frog's a ventriloquist."
WENDY
A man and woman just got married and as a token of loyalty the man had his wife's name "Wendy" tattooed on his penis. A week or so later while on their honeymoon in a bar in Jamaica the man was urinating in a bar as a local wheeled in beside him. The man said to the local
- I could not help but notice the "Wy" tattooed on your penis does your tattoo say "Wendy" also?
- The local replied "No mon it says, 'Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day'."
ON AN AIRPLANE
A blonde was on her way to New York City on an airplane. She was in 1st class when the flight attendant told her that her ticket was bought for 2nd class. The blond ignored her and kept listening to a head set she had on her head. The flight attendant went to the back of the plane and got another flight attendant to help her.
"Ma'am, this ticket says you should be in 2nd class. You are not to be in 1st."
The blonde still sat still and did not pay ANY attention. Both attendants went up to the co-pilot and told them about the whole ordeal.
He went back and whispered something into her ear and she grabbed all of her things and headed back to the 2nd class. The 2 flight attendants asked him what had made her get up.
"Well, I told her that 1st class wasn't going to New York City, and that 2nd class was!"
YOU'RE NEXT!
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband,
"Shut up...you're next!"
TWO COATS
It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit my girl friend, Susie. Susie may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas. Well Susie had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself. I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches.
When I arrived, I found Susie working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka. I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day. She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions.
I did. It said, "For best results, put on two coats."
TEN DOLLARS
A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on an airplane. A few minutes into the flight, the lawyer asks,
"Do you want to play a game?"
"OK," the blonde says.
The lawyer says, "Here's how to play. I ask you a question. And if you don't know the answer, you gotta give me ten dollars, and then you ask me a question. And if I don't know the answer, I give you ten dollars."
The blonde agrees to this. The lawyer asks a scientific, super-genious question, and the blonde doesn't know the answer. She reaches into her purse and gives the lawyer ten dollars. The lawyer decides that since the blonde probably knew much less than him, he raised his paying price to $50. So the blonde turns to the lawyer and asks,
"What goes up a hill with 4 legs and down a hill with 3?"
The lawyer was stumped. He called people on his cell-phone, asked his Internet friends, but nobody knew the answer. Finally, as the flight stops, the lawyer gives up and hands the blonde fifty dollars.
"I don't know it," he says. "What is the answer?"
Upon hearing this question, the blonde reachesinto her purse, and gives the lawyer ten dollars.
CATHOLIC LADIES
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends
- My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.
The second Catholic woman chirps,
- My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'.
The third Catholic crone says
-My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle
-Well...?
So she replies,
-My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2, hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'OH, MY GOD...!'.
ON THE TITANIC...
Reagan, Nixon & Clinton are on the Titanic
The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly
Everybody starts screaming, panicking etc..
Reagan shouts:" Women & Children first"
Nixon goes: "Fuck the women"
Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"
CLINTON (TRAGEDY)
Bill Clinton is visiting a school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stands up and offers:
"If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand:
"If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS".
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.
"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says:
"If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
CLASSROOM
Teacher calls on little Johnny and asks him a question:
"5 birds are sitting on a fence. You shoot one with a rifle. How many are left?"
Johnny thinks for a moment and answers "Zero. The rifle shot will scareall the birds away.
The teacher replies, "No. The answer is four --five minus 1--, but I like the way you think."
Johnny asks the teacher if he can ask her a question. The teacher nods: "yes!!".
"O.K., there are three women standing outside the ice cream store eating ice cream. The first one is licking her cone. The second is sucking her cone. And the third is biting her cone. Which one of these women is married?"
The teacher looks nervously at the class and then guesses "The one sucking her cone!?"
"No," Johnny answers, "the one wearing a wedding ring --But I like the way you think!"
VIAGRA
A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick!
You take some pills, and your problems are history"
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."
ON A DESERTED ISLAND...
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